This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
