I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
