____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
too bad you live with your parents still
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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