Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize