Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
