Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
