When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize