hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Princesses don't give blow jobs
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
