The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
