guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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