Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize