just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
organizing the empties. That sober.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
