No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
