is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
