I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
