I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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