I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It's never too late to be topless.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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