I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
