somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
