I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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