Christians are straight up FREAKS
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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