At least make sure they are 18
Why
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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