5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
