Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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