Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
