i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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