I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
