i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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