matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
