If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize
