I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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