it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
