Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
