I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
