We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
