Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
