rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
