He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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