I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
