I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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