Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
