I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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