I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
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