My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
