I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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