I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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