I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
