I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
