The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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