He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
