I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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