I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
