does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
