You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
