No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize