I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
