Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
